Follow these simple, user-friendly rules and
you may just come out a winner.
The IKEA Rule.
When looking at guys always remember that it's kind of like going to IKEA. Everything looks okay from the outside, but there is frequently a lot of pressboard and polyester involved inside. So the proper attitude is: nice sofa, nice sofa, nice sofa, but I don't need it in my house.
The 4-6-8 Rule.
A guy's perspective on Relative Attractiveness is as follows:
If he is a 4, he thinks he is a 6, and he is sure he deserves to be with nothing less than an 8.
The Jennifer Hart Rule.
The key to understanding gay guys is this:
Each and every one of them wants to be Jennifer Hart (yes, as in Hart to Hart). This is the fantasy where a notorious playboy who is beautiful, buff, and rich swoops in, realizes (at first sight, naturally) that you and you alone possess the inner beauty he has been seeking all his life, forsakes all others for you, and then takes care of your every spiritual, emotional, and physical need. He is never boring, never bored, and doesn't mind if you eat everything in sight and acquire heinous love handles. He shares all his worldly goods 50-50 with you, is incredibly thoughtful and low-maintenance and allows you to do nothing for the rest of your life but maintain your hair. The only problem is, everyone wants to be Jennifer and no one wants to be Jonathan.
The "But My Wife Doesn't Understand Me Like You Do" Rule.
Here's the scenario:
You meet a really cute guy who's traveling on business. He has a boyfriend, and they live together, but they: a) Have an "arrangement," really!! b) Have both been terribly, terribly unhappy for a long time, and only stay together for the sake of the dog c) Are "in the process of breaking up" d) All of the above
Even Doris Day didn't fall for crap like this in those 50’s flicks (actually, Doris kicked some philanderer’s rear). Half the time, the boyfriend is at home thinking hubby is nestled quietly at the Embassy Suites, dreaming peacefully of their idyllic life together.
The actual rule here? Duh! Stay away! Tell him to call you when the real estate has been divided up and he's actually single. If the guy is going to cheat on his boyfriend, let it be with someone else. And for those of you who get emotionally involved with guys like this, Doris is coming over to kick YOUR rear.
The "What Goes Around Comes Around" Rule.
(The "Marla Maples Trump" rule.)
If he's flagrantly cheating WITH you now, sooner or later he'll be flagrantly cheating ON you. And you'll deserve it.
The Princess Rule.
If you must be a princess, be Grace, not Margaret. If you are rude, imperious, have nothing interesting to say, and practice questionable hygiene, no one cares how big your tiara is, or whether you own Scotland.
The Nancy Reagan Rule.
If you aren't interested, "Just Say No." But do it nicely. Laughing derisively, cringing visibly, or heaping scorn on the other party is unnecessary, disrespectful, and mean. Being polite and kind doesn't cost you anything, and someday you WILL be in the other guy's shoes.
The Golden Rule.
Most of you went to kindergarten, so you should already know this one:
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So for those of you who do things like breaking up on the answering machine (don't lie, you know who you are -- don't make me start calling out names), clean up your act!
Now, go play nice with others.